Friday, May 29, 2009

If I Poop On My Keyboard Will You Read What I Write?

I've never pooped on a keyboard before. To be honest I never really had a reason to. I mean, yeah, sure I've thought about pooping on a keyboard, you know, just as a joke, cause let's face it as Danny Devito once so eloquently put it "poop's funny".

So I admit I've thought about pooping on a keyboard, but I definitely had never thought about pooping on my own keyboard. Until last week. Now I can't stop thinking about pooping on my keyboard. Why you ask? Because of a blogger. A certain "new age" blogger who gives everyone wonderful advice like:
Make sure that when you break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend you call them every couple of days to let them know that you love them and that they are still important to you.
And ridiculous statements like (and this is only a slight exaggeration):
My next door neighbor's, son's, best friend's cat died the other day. It was one of the most sorrowing experiences of my life. To deal with such an utter travesty and to protect myself and remind myself how precious life is I spent three weeks in a state of silent morning.
And I just wouldn't be doing them justice if I didn't mention that the aformentioned blogger has based an entire career on instructing people on how to live their lives free of stress, anxiety, suffering, etc. As far as I can tell they have absolutely no professional credentials to back up all the bullshit advice they are spewing. Case in point, the first statement above, if my girlfriend dumped me, and then continued calling me to tell me how much she cared for me and that she still loved me, I would be so fucking confused I swear my brain would literally explode, like this.

So what does any of this have to do with pooping on a keyboard? This "professional blogger" has over 14,000 subscribers. If 14,000 people subscribe read this garbage surely 14,000 people will want to read what gets published by someone pooping on a keyboard, right? Let me know if you will read what happens when I poop on my keyboard. If 14,000 people will read it I will commence pooping on my keyboard on a daily basis.

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